In the words of those two venerated 1980s philosophers, Hall & Oates: private eyes, they're watching you. Even if you aren't committing crimes, plotting revolutions, or cracking the code that we all know is imbedded within the Constitution, you still might not want to be found.
We're here to help. Here are some tips on how you too can hide from Big Brother's prying eyes that see your every move.
Stop Hanging Out Online
Before you consider disappearing from the material world, first consider retreating from the virtual world. Every pic you've ever "Liked," every story about a cat playing the piano you've ever shared, every turnip you ever planted in Farmville -- every move you make online is just one more way Big Brother can trace you. According to How to Disappear by Frank Ahearn, particular trouble spots for leaving big impressions include WordPress, YouTube, Twitter and Reddit. If you're a regular commenter in an online community, your mark has been left there and may be difficult to erase.
Track Down and Erase Your Records
If you want to be entirely undetectable, you will have to cancel every online account you have and delete all its evidence. But it won't be that simple. Like oily fingerprints, your internet presence is hard to wash away. A site called Web 2.0 Suicide Machine may help. It aids in wiping the web clean of digital identities, but even that is not entirely foolproof. After all, you can't control what your "friends" have copied from your profiles and/or posted on their own.
Throw Them Off Your Trail
Once you've erased your online presence you can disappear from the real world. Before you run off to start a new life, however, make sure that you start a fake one. Throwing off anyone that might be on your tracks is key. In order to do that, former skiptracer Ahearn suggests that you apply for apartments (making sure they run credit checks), sign up for an account at a local bank, apply for utility companies, and then never return to that town again.
Don't Assume a Fake Identity
There's no reason to commit identity fraud anymore. Back in the day, con men like Ryan O'Neal's character in Paper Moon (above) used to peruse the cemetery for the grave of a child who had been born around the same time as them and, from there, obtain that poor soul's birth certificate and social security number.
...Create An Alias Instead
Computers and automated systems have made that method much more difficult. Go ahead and keep your own identity. If you have to, feel free to invent a nickname. We've always though that "Skippy" had a nice ring to it.
Don't Commit Pseudo-Suicide
Faking your own death is a crime so we can't technically say that it's a good idea. But if you do decide that it is the best way out, Neatorama suggests that you should take a hint from Sherlock Holmes. He faked his death in "The Final Problem" by making it appear that he had fallen off a cliff. The best kind of false death is one in which no recognizable body can conceivably be found — explosions, fires, or drowning in deep waters are all good options.
Forget Your Hobbies
As you hop from place to place, identity to identity, be careful not to engage in your old hobbies. If you were a die-hard fly-fisher, an expert potter, or even a diligent poet, you will have to stop once you make the decision to leave society in the dust. Any remnant of the old life that you left behind may be traced to your new identity. Any evidence of your hobbies should be anonymously donated to the Goodwill, Salvation Army, or other second hand store.
Don't Worry About Your Looks
With all this talk about changing your identity, we bet you've started considering growing a beard or getting serious plastic surgery. Stop it. Unless you regularly appear in the news, you have no need to worry about anyone recognizing you, Beyond Weird's online manifesto "100 Ways To Disappear and Live Free" asserts. In fact, medical records of plastic surgery procedures might be another way you could be traced.
Cash For Clunkers
Once you've successfully ditched your old life, you'll need to trade vehicles. And sorry, that doesn't mean you get a new Audi from the dealer. Beyond Weird's guide to disappearing suggests that after selling your original car to a private buyer for cash (yes, that might mean you don't get the original Blue Book value), you buy a replacement car, also with cash. If you can, try to buy an entirely different car than you had previously. If you were an SUV kind of guy then get ready to invest in a tiny Miata.
Say Bye Bye to Your iPhone
A phone bill is a great way to get yourself traced. So say goodbye to your precious iPhone and learn to love a small, prepaid flip phone. Well, technically learn to love many of them. LiveSafely.org recommends using either multiple prepaid anonymous cell phones or prepaid phone cards — but good luck finding a phone booth to use them at.
Use Mail Drops
Though snail mail is pretty much obsolete these days, mail drops are invaluable to the man or woman on the run. Livesafely.org suggests using the mail forwarding service Earth Class Mail, which offers their customers multiple addresses to which they can forward mail. The multiple drop spots will confuse anyone attempting to track down your whereabouts. Even if you aren't on the run this service can be used to avoid those multiple J. Crew catalogs that seem to find you wherever you go.
We're here to help. Here are some tips on how you too can hide from Big Brother's prying eyes that see your every move.
Stop Hanging Out Online
Before you consider disappearing from the material world, first consider retreating from the virtual world. Every pic you've ever "Liked," every story about a cat playing the piano you've ever shared, every turnip you ever planted in Farmville -- every move you make online is just one more way Big Brother can trace you. According to How to Disappear by Frank Ahearn, particular trouble spots for leaving big impressions include WordPress, YouTube, Twitter and Reddit. If you're a regular commenter in an online community, your mark has been left there and may be difficult to erase.
Track Down and Erase Your Records
If you want to be entirely undetectable, you will have to cancel every online account you have and delete all its evidence. But it won't be that simple. Like oily fingerprints, your internet presence is hard to wash away. A site called Web 2.0 Suicide Machine may help. It aids in wiping the web clean of digital identities, but even that is not entirely foolproof. After all, you can't control what your "friends" have copied from your profiles and/or posted on their own.
Throw Them Off Your Trail
Once you've erased your online presence you can disappear from the real world. Before you run off to start a new life, however, make sure that you start a fake one. Throwing off anyone that might be on your tracks is key. In order to do that, former skiptracer Ahearn suggests that you apply for apartments (making sure they run credit checks), sign up for an account at a local bank, apply for utility companies, and then never return to that town again.
Don't Assume a Fake Identity
There's no reason to commit identity fraud anymore. Back in the day, con men like Ryan O'Neal's character in Paper Moon (above) used to peruse the cemetery for the grave of a child who had been born around the same time as them and, from there, obtain that poor soul's birth certificate and social security number.
...Create An Alias Instead
Computers and automated systems have made that method much more difficult. Go ahead and keep your own identity. If you have to, feel free to invent a nickname. We've always though that "Skippy" had a nice ring to it.
Don't Commit Pseudo-Suicide
Faking your own death is a crime so we can't technically say that it's a good idea. But if you do decide that it is the best way out, Neatorama suggests that you should take a hint from Sherlock Holmes. He faked his death in "The Final Problem" by making it appear that he had fallen off a cliff. The best kind of false death is one in which no recognizable body can conceivably be found — explosions, fires, or drowning in deep waters are all good options.
Forget Your Hobbies
As you hop from place to place, identity to identity, be careful not to engage in your old hobbies. If you were a die-hard fly-fisher, an expert potter, or even a diligent poet, you will have to stop once you make the decision to leave society in the dust. Any remnant of the old life that you left behind may be traced to your new identity. Any evidence of your hobbies should be anonymously donated to the Goodwill, Salvation Army, or other second hand store.
Don't Worry About Your Looks
With all this talk about changing your identity, we bet you've started considering growing a beard or getting serious plastic surgery. Stop it. Unless you regularly appear in the news, you have no need to worry about anyone recognizing you, Beyond Weird's online manifesto "100 Ways To Disappear and Live Free" asserts. In fact, medical records of plastic surgery procedures might be another way you could be traced.
Cash For Clunkers
Once you've successfully ditched your old life, you'll need to trade vehicles. And sorry, that doesn't mean you get a new Audi from the dealer. Beyond Weird's guide to disappearing suggests that after selling your original car to a private buyer for cash (yes, that might mean you don't get the original Blue Book value), you buy a replacement car, also with cash. If you can, try to buy an entirely different car than you had previously. If you were an SUV kind of guy then get ready to invest in a tiny Miata.
Say Bye Bye to Your iPhone
A phone bill is a great way to get yourself traced. So say goodbye to your precious iPhone and learn to love a small, prepaid flip phone. Well, technically learn to love many of them. LiveSafely.org recommends using either multiple prepaid anonymous cell phones or prepaid phone cards — but good luck finding a phone booth to use them at.
Use Mail Drops
Though snail mail is pretty much obsolete these days, mail drops are invaluable to the man or woman on the run. Livesafely.org suggests using the mail forwarding service Earth Class Mail, which offers their customers multiple addresses to which they can forward mail. The multiple drop spots will confuse anyone attempting to track down your whereabouts. Even if you aren't on the run this service can be used to avoid those multiple J. Crew catalogs that seem to find you wherever you go.
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